All the pieces come together to create this: The Avengers.  It’s the super hero equivalent of the best orgy imaginable with all the people you’ve ever had, or wanted to have sex with.  Except most people who waited in line for this thing probably don’t have sex.  But hold the phone!  It didn’t break Midnight release records, yet managed to Hulk Smash the prior #1 film opening of all time?  Maybe there is something to this thing…

I’ll be honest, and the evidence is sitting right here on this very website, I wasn’t sure what I’d think of the culmination of many years, many films done by different directors, would end up looking like.  I guess I imagined it as this sort of Pot Luck where everyone brings something to the table that is their best dish, but doesn’t sit well with what everyone else brought.  A+B+C+D doesn’t always equal ABCD I kept saying.  Well, I am here to unequivocally say that I was wrong.  I am no fan of super hero movies, I’m tired of them being beyond mined for Blockbusters year after year and yet The Avengers ended up being so satisfying in nearly every possible way.

The script was clever in reference to the episodic nature of comic books.  With so many characters to split screen time with, this thing is as lean as possible without feeling narrow.  We start with the return of Loki (more about him later), how he’s going to provide the Epic Problem for our heroes to overcome, and then its off to gather them.  Fortunately, we are done with the introductions.  We don’t have to waste any time explaining who Thor is, why Captain America is around, or what causes a scientist to go green when he’s angry. Nope, instead, we can mine these characters for deeper meaning, which makes their associations all the more interesting when they don’t necessarily get along.

Best yet, when things started to get too talky, there was action.  And when the action started to drift into mind numbing territory, we are back with some quick humor or heavy techno-babble to keep things interesting.  There was hardly a moment when The Avengers wasn’t giving me what I needed at the time, be it quirky insight from Iron Man, a derring-do dose from Captain America (a much better character this time around), or some straight up hotness from Thor.  Even previously minor characters like Hawk-Eye and Black Widow shine.  All under the watchful gaze of Nick Fury. Well, okay, also Joss Whedon who proved to me that he isn’t just for fanboys anymore.

So what keeps The Avengers from reaching the extremely lofty perfect grade? Loki.

What can I say?  I already was critical of his character in Thor, and things just haven’t evolved one bit for Tom Hiddleston.  What’s his freakin’ deal man?  Sure, he laughs contemptuously, and does all the wily wicked things a trickster should do (including sniveling and whimpering when the time is right) but where every other character on screen is portrayed boldly, he wilts.  Robert Downey Jr. practically OWNS his role.  Even the new Hulk, Mark Ruffalo, takes his version to new places that end up being better than what we’ve seen on the big screen before.  So why can’t the villain, who is exceptionally weak, not make more of an impact?

One more thing I kind of dread.  While I admit to fully enjoying what ended up happening with The Avengers, I’d warn the studio not to stretch this into overkill.  Sure, take your well deserved victory lap.  Heck, introduce some more characters and tie them together for some hopefully as well produced spin-offs and sequels.  But let’s not go crazy here.  Sure, everyone loves it when the well loved Nintendo gang are gathered up for a Mario Party, but they’re less likely to feel the same way about Mario Party 9.

Once upon a time, this Farrelly brother project was supposed to have big name stars.  Thankfully, that never worked out.  If it had, not only would it have probably become a rough spot on some careers, it would have distracted from the characters themselves.  The folks that we ended up getting are no names, and really let you focus on their impressions of the iconic comedy troupe The Three Stooges.  That’s the good news.

The bad news is, other than presenting the slap stick version of ha-ha, there isn’t much else for them to do here.  While the movie is cut up into effectively three episodes, they are all interconnected and are basically the standard three-acts of any properly told story.  The worst by far is unfortunately the beginning.  We’re introduced to the child versions of Larry, Curly, and Moe, three boys who are dropped off at an orphanage and reek havoc on the nuns that run the place.  One day, the idea to try and pull one over on a couple to hopefully get rid of one of the dangerous trio kind of backfires, but sets into motion the rest of the story.  The kids can’t pull off impressions very well, and the whole start of this thing is hard to get moving.

Once we’re moving into the second, more meaty episode, things start to gel.  At least as far as remembering the nostalgic value of the piece.  Talking all over one another, slipping in puns in the midst of the hitting and eye-poking, we’re reminded of why this baseline comedy was all about.  The Three Stooges is just pure low-brow physical humor funny.  If you’ve had a bad day, an episode of this should make you just laugh and forget about things for a while.  And in fifteen minute doses, it works.

But now that things are stretched out to movie-length, there is an over arching story that just doesn’t pull through.  Worse, there isn’t anything more for the trio to do while on their quest to save the orphanage from financial ruin.  In fact, the methodology kind of gets rather dark as they’re hired to off someone, get separated, and somehow the emphatically non PG-rated Jersey Shore people get involved.

I suppose it was meant as a metaphor.  That reality show hijinks are this generations version of the innocent brand of mischief of The Three Stooges of the past.  But I’m not sure if that’s necessarily correct.  While if you really took the slap stick as assault, you’d be overlooking the fact that deep down Larry, Curly, and Moe desperately needed one another.  And that’s not something I could probably say about the insipid version of humanity folks like J-Wow, The Situation, and Snookie represent.  And if thee wasn’t a deeper meaning in crossing these worlds, well then, all The Three Stooges has going for it is physical comedy, and that isn’t enough to hang a movie on. Even with the nostalgic factor.

Re-releasing old classics with a shiny new coat of 3D paint has, for the most part, been Disney’s thing.  And it’s no wonder.  It must be a relatively simple process to dust off the print, separate the various color cells to make certain parts of the image pop, and go out and grab a fresh wad of cash on the project that’s more than paid for itself over the decades.  It’s something that James Cameron isn’t fond of, this converting to 3D business.  Yet, here he is, the master of the newfangled Hollywood plaything, doing it to one of his classics.

Too bad it adds virtually nothing to the experience.  And worse, it actually can be quite distracting at times.

Titanic is an amazing film.  Taking the ironic story about the boat that could not sink and filming just that would have been more than enough to wow audiences.  But set inside are a plethora of sub-stories, the largest of which is the overriding narrative between cross-class lovers Jack and Rose.  There are so many nuanced characters surrounding them, you almost forget until the fateful moment the iceberg is struck that, oh yeah, this ship is gonna sink and most of them are going to die.  Everything takes a long time to both set up and finish, however, so it does have a viciously long running time.  I’m rather surprised that Cameron didn’t try to shave a scene or two to help rake in more cash while he was at it.  Especially lengthy is the beginning, where we’re introduced to the wreckage, its looters, and the old lady version of Rose.  But then again, by not altering the original (including the language that I’d forgotten about) he also didn’t go all George Lucas on us.  There are no digitally added sea monsters, nor does Jack shoot Cal first.

Instead, what effects the 3D face lift bring, are columns that stick out, groups of people during crowded scenes, and various railings or smoke stacks, or that sort of thing.  It’s a very minor alteration for the most part that proves to be just a distraction from the storytelling mastery that was inherent in the original multi-Oscar winning work.  When you’re sinking a huge set piece with hundreds of stunt performing extras, do you really need anything more?  No, you really don’t.  And while it’s kind of neat that while Rose is hanging off the back of the vessel, it really does now look a long way down… it’s not worth the extra price in admission, nor the sacrifice of neglecting the story while looking for moments to justify the rework.

Essentially, Titanic 3D is just unnecessary and does the industry as much disservice as the Clash of the Titans conversion Cameron spoke so vehemently against. My grade reflects this, and should not be misunderstood for my grade for the original version of Titanic.

Here we are, one year later… one year older, and for the most part, one year wiser.

I really wasn’t sure that this website would work out.  Sure, I’d done this exact same thing years ago with a different Fat Man, but that was back when blogging was cool, and there weren’t nearly as many independent movie reviewers out there telling you what you should and shouldn’t go see.  Additionally, going to the theater was a lot more popular since things like Netflix, Roku, Hulu, and all that jazz either weren’t even in existence, or were just starting out.  Wait for the mail to send you a movie That will take forever!

Even when we got a month or two behind us, I wasn’t sure this website would work out.  Just take a look at what we ended up watching right away: Sucker Punch?  Insidious? It was any wonder we didn’t hang ourselves almost immediately.  Fortunately, some good movies eventually came out.  Especially in that rare world of serious adult science fiction.  And we also eventually decided we shouldn’t force ourselves to see movies we had absolutely no interest in seeing.  That got me out of Human Centipede 2, something I’m eternally grateful for.

And then we started to relax a bit on the “dual” nature of our reviews.  While a clever concept, it’s not always viable for both of us to see every movie.  Especially since now The Fat Man lives in a different part of the country.  Besides, would he really want to see the indie film about a girl who believes he is a boy?  Nor am I ever excited about the latest Nick Cage flick.  We thought by occasionally going our own way, we’d be saving ourselves from burn out and getting more reviews in your hands.

So, you already know what my favorite films I’ve reviewed are.  We covered that in our Top 5 for 2011 for the most part.  But here are a couple of my favorite reviews I have written.  I hope you enjoy a quick look back, and will continue to enjoy our humble little site over the course of the next year.

Source Code, where I try too hard to be clever by writing my review in the style of the film itself.

Green Lantern, where I completely lose my cool and flick off the filmmakers.

The Three Musketeers, where I review a film that no one saw, nor cared about.

Welcome to the start of the Summer Blockbuster Season™.  Wait, you mean to tell me it’s only March?  Wow.  Um, well, okay, I can wing this.  You know, normally when I see the Lions Gate logo at the start of my motion picture experience, I’m already starting to look for things to later throw at the screen.  Them buying up Summit didn’t help matters, but what do we have here?  A movie about a dastardly Capitol that demands tribute of children to fight one another to the death as payment for an uprising?  Alright, I saw Battle Royale, so I’m so in!

Now, for those new to this website, know that I don’t review movies generally on a philosophical basis. I leave all that heady stuff to the plethera of other critics who think they can talk down to you people. Nope, I just call it like I see it.  I watch the movie, and tell you if I thought it was a well made film that hits all the right notes when it comes to characterization, visuals, plot… you know, all that good stuff that makes it worth your time and money.  So that’s how I’m approaching The Hunger Games as well.  Though I should add that I haven’t read the book.  Not that I really usually review movies based on their source materials.  Two different mediums require two different approaches.

So how does this PG-13 rated film that’s really really really hitting it big with the younger set handle the touchy subject of kids killing kids?  Through brilliant use of handi-cam when the scenes of brutality are the strongest as well as treating the story with complete seriousness and respect.  In this grim vision of our future, the tributes are culled once a year during a drawing called The Reaping.  The boy and girl are then whisked away to the lavish Capitol to train for the Games, but are also primed for the audience that the pageantry brings.  It’s absolutely horrifying, and we haven’t even seen our first child murdered.

What else makes this telling so effective?  It’s outstanding cast which includes relative newcomers in Jennifer Lawrence (who is basically asked to carry an entire fucking franchise on her shoulders) and established character actors like Stanley Tucci (who plays my favorite character, Caeser Flickerman.)  Also extremely noteworthy is Woody Harrelson who plays Haymitch, a former tribute who has won the games and becomes the mentor of the kids from District 12.

And then there are the Games themselves. They start off immensely strong, and then back off to allow some suspense to build.  No, it’s not just clever to call what happens in the woods acts of Katniss and mouse, it’s what really happens!  And no matter how much disdain you might have held for the premise of the film, you’ll become invested in the fate of the two younglings fighting for their lives, if not much more.  It’s important to note here that I don’t think this whole love-triangle business is as drummed up as fans would like it to be.  It’s not Twilight.  There are no Teams.

So it becomes moderately disappointing when The Hunger Games abruptly comes to a quick conclusion.  After being extremely careful and deliberate about  world building, filmmaker Gary Ross (Seabiscuit) introduces out of nowhere these horrible CGI creatures that spoil the integrity of the project.  While I recognize that they were in the book, I can’t imagine they were implemented so horribly there.  They, along with a sort of quickly thrown together final confrontation, really pulled me out of the thrilling action and drama.  It’s a shame, and not something I can completely overlook.  Even if I’m pretty excited to know what happens next.

I guess I am a little like a teenage girl.

Let’s get this out of the way first: 21 Jump Street isn’t a straight up spoof, but really doesn’t take itself seriously at all.  Nor does it have much in common with the 80′s television series by the same name.  But what it does have going for it is lots of laughs, a surprisingly healthy dose of action, and Channing Tatum looking all hot and shit.

A lot of people don’t want to go see comedies in theatres.  It’s expensive to go out, and the movie will probably be just as funny when it comes out on DVD in a few months, right?  Well, maybe.  See, there is also the idea that seeing a comedy in a collective, things you might not laugh at alone, when spurred by others laughing, you might just find yourself having a better time than you expected.  This is probably how The Hangover 2 worked, or rather didn’t work as far as I am concerned.  Fortunately, 21 Jump Street is just plain funny on its own.  Putting quick talker Jonah Hill up against handsome and dumb Channing Tatum and sending them both back to high school as undercover officers is brilliant.

They’re there to check out the local dope show, and find out how to score the newest synthetic drug.  Hilarity ensues.  But not at first.  See, when the film starts up, its in Obviously Trying Too Hard Mode™.  It’s not until they accidentally switch undercover identities, forcing them to take a different popularity path than they were best suited for back when they went to school the first time.  Situational comedy works so much better for this duo than rattling off one-liners any day of the week.

Eventually, after mining the drug itself for laughs, the losers decide to throw a party.  Of course.  And they end up going to prom.  Of course.  They even get to have a high speed car chase with multiple changes of vehicles.  Of course?  See, what’s so great about the last third of the movie, is things get SO out of control that even though the script is plowing through plot that we’ve seen hundreds of times in both teenage and buddy cop comedies, somehow combining them with a sort of knowing wink makes it worthwhile.  It helps that Jonah Hill has been hard at work making quality comedy films for quite sometime.  Channing Tatum? Well, he can just stand there and look pretty.

A surprise cameo (may not actually be a surprise at this point) during a surprisingly violent ending does serve well to put a cherry on top of this remarkable durable re-imagining of a pretty silly premised television show.  Even if it’s unnecessarily overly vulgar and abundant with the gay jokes.

Here’s the overwhelming problem that John Carter has to overcome:  The source material has been mined for movies repeatedly for generations.  So unless this version brings something new to the table, while watching it, you’re going to get a huge case of Déjà vu.  Fortunately, a crap ton of money has been poured into this Andrew Stanton (WALL-E) directed monstrosity and it really does show in the special effects.  Especially when watched in IMAX 3D.  This is something I rarely do, but since I had discount passes, I thought why not?  And as far as visuals go… (Taylor Kitsch has a pretty hot body, but no ass) it was worth the money.

With fantasy and sci-fi themes this well worn, these set pieces are astounding.  Every flying ship looks like something out of the most epic Final Fantasy video game.  The four armed creatures are better than anything George Lucas could whip up and insert into his own version of the material in his plethora of re-releases.  Mars is full of radiant colors to clash brilliantly against the dingy desert, and everything pops in very well crafted three-dimensions.

Well, all except the characters.  They’re as flat and wooden as ever.  And considering the tone of the film swings wildly from sci-fi serious to cartoon hijinks, it seems far too much to ask of these barely known actors.  And it’s not like the writing is all that great either.  Deeply seeped in tradition, this sweeping epic gives its characters very little new to say.  And there was more than one scene within the first two-thirds of the film, where I openly said, “Really?” as if I were trapped on the set of Saturday Night Live.

However, as the storyline about a soldier zapped to Mars and is interjected into a three-way civil war progresses, things actually start to get better.  Cutesy side-kicks start to become bearable.  The film largely abandons the “Gee, whiz, I’m really on Mars?” routine and starts to really just go with the flow setting up epic battles that bring out the teenage boy in this movie reviewer.  And so eventually, even though John Carter isn’t a very appealing hero — he’s kind of a dick, really — you start to actually kind of feel like rooting for the guy.

Which brings me to the conclusion… masterfully done with a couple of last minute twists that I didn’t even realize were coming.  There’s a reason why this material has been used so often, it’s very nearly used up.  And yet, in spite of misspent time fooling around in the desert, or adding a lot of fluff around the saga, I found myself really kind of digging what the legendary Pixar animator has done with the thing.  Yeah, it’s well known he spent a lot of money, got total creative control, and has probably created one of the biggest bombs for Disney financially in some time.  But, the truth is, at its core, it’s pretty good.

But only if you’re willing to spend the extra money yourself to see it in IMAX 3D.

The Lorax is a parable about the risks of destroying the environment in the attempts to promote commercialism.  Unfortunately, this film is as hypocritical as one could be.  It is without question one of the most crassly commercialized products produced so far in 2012.  The movie has 70 promotional tie-ins.  And while they’re trying to balance that with the eco-friendly message of the film, they completely and utterly fail in my opinion.

Within the movie’s context, the grumpy mustached orange beast known as The Lorax (Danny DeVeto) is the guardian of the forest.  He appears to The Once-ler (Ed Helms) after the guy cuts down one tree.  Lorax says, hey don’t do that. And yet he and all of his fellow forest creatures all invite themselves into his home and enjoy all of the things he used the tree to make.  For a moment a deal is struck when the business is up and running that they aren’t going to cut down any more of the forest, but rather harvest what they need responsibly. Though this sequence is ruined as well by stereotyping southern rednecks.  Eventually, however, Big Business wins out,  along with Greed, and All That Bad Stuff and down come the rest of the woods.  Cute critters in peril pretty much dominate this section of the film.

Meanwhile, this is a story all told to a boy who lives in the city made of plastic who really just wants a tree to get laid.  In this world, there is a new Big Business selling plastic and air to everyone since the whole world is polluted because of how irresponsible environmentally The Once-ler was.  This part of The Lorax is also just as equally pretty mundane.  Nothing really stands out except a cute joke here and there, often in the background.  There is a nice meaty role for Betty White as the boy’s grandma, but by this point, I think even she’s been exploited enough, hasn’t she?

Look, I don’t want to be a cynical bastard.  I’m a left winger who normally would eat this eco-kid-flick up.  But it’s simply not a good movie.  The animation is passable, but Universal pales in comparison yet to the other names.  It feels completely hypocritical to the core to hate on Big Business while being produced by a Huge Ass Media Conglomerate. The songs are some of the worst I’ve ever heard in a kid production. And other than telling people to “shut their mustache” I doubt you’ll even remember you saw the damn thing later on.

My suggestion is to skip The Lorax and go hug a tree.